I have a client (let’s call her Shayla) who wants to reconfigure her life, eat better, experience less anxiety, and nurture positive relationships with her loved ones. She’s committed to doing all of this because she said she desperately needs it. She completed the coaching pre-work and she purchased her coaching sessions. These are for sure steps in the right direction.

So what’s the problem?

Shayla does not have time to schedule and benefit from her coaching sessions.

There is too much going on. Her work colleagues need her for meetings and after work events. Shayla’s children are stressed out, so she needs to fix things for them. There are the daily errands that must be done, and only Shayla can complete them. Her schedule is out of control, and she cannot fit in time to schedule these coaching sessions that she wants and needs.

Sound familiar?

Have you ever used any of these statements? Have you put everyone and everything ahead of your own needs? Have you changed your plans to accommodate someone else, only to feel hijacked and resentful? Do you keep cramming in others’ “have to dos” to avoid your own “critical dos”?

I know – we’ve all been there.

We wait for others to give us permission to do what we know we need to do for ourselves. We do not want the backlash of disappointing others. We want to be needed by others and earn the badge of being reliable. We feel too selfish putting ourselves first.

And I ask you, what’s wrong with that? What’s wrong with some healthy selfishness?

Nothing.

If you find yourself in the cycle of powerlessness, here are some easy steps to help you visualize your next steps and break free:

Admit your fear. If you are afraid of disappointing someone or fear they will get mad when you communicate your needs – be honest and admit this. We often continue to do things because we are fearful of the ways others will respond. Let that go.

Get clear. If you know you are unraveling and need to take some time off from social engagements to regroup and heal, be clear about this. Do not talk yourself out of rest and refueling. When you are clear with yourself, it is easy to be clear with others – when you graciously decline an invitation that has been offered to you.

Access your daily feeling state “to do” list. Think about all the things that make you feel calm, serene, peaceful, energized, happy…and any other positive feeling states. List your top five feeling states. Then list one-to-three activities that promote these top five feeling states (e.g. reading, meditating, jogging, gardening, writing, etc.). Make sure you complete at least one of these activities daily. If you are highly dependent on your regular “to do” list – be sure to merge it with your feeling state “to do” list.

Reclaim your power.  If you move forward and complete the three steps mentioned above, you are reclaiming your power. You care choosing a healthy and supportive way to end the cycle of powerlessness. You are setting an example, to those around you, on how to love yourself – and in turn, they will be able to love and support you in the ways you need and deserve.

If those around you do not understand this shift you are making, that’s not your problem. You do not have the power to convince others – you only have the power to know if this shift is right for you.

Back to Shayla…

She told me she would not be able to start her coaching sessions until the end of February.

I outlined these steps for her, and within two days, she scheduled her coaching session for next week.

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